it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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