I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
