based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
