Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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