I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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