did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
