Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
