we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
