I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
