lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
