somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
