he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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