one might say we're banned from that church
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
