someone threw a dead crab at me
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
