I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
