I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
