He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
