I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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