I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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