: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
