It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
