don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
