upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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