I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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