I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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