what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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