Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
