I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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