Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
