She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
