I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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