Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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