When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
