I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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