About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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