god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
