there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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