I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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