I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
