last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
