i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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