Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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