god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
