thus making me awesome and them whores
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
