Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
