She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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