Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
