I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
