Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
