my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
