i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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