I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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