my phone needs a breathalizer
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She needs sedatives and a leash
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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