a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
